Book Review: Experiencing Grief

Our grief counselor recommended that we read this little book called Experiencing Grief.  It is available at Amazon for under $4.  This book is a general book on grief.  It is not just for widows or for parents who have lost a child.  Anyone who is wrestling with grief could gain help from this book.  That's one thing that I liked about the book.  The author writes about the emotions and fears that you may experience while grieving, and he gives practical suggestions for dealing with those feelings.

Here are a few quotes that I found helpful:

"Just remember, you don't need to be fixed."
This winter was hard.  Really hard. After losing Baby D, I cried at church every.single.Sunday. from early November to mid-January.  James wanted to have "me" back.  He's an engineer.  He fixes problems.  He's used to looking at a problem, coming up with a solution, and fixing it.  He couldn't "fix" me.  And that frustrated him.  It frustrated me too.  There just wasn't an easy solution.

"The scriptures are not a medicine cabinet, filled with prescriptions to take the edge off life. They are about a God who, during his most painful experience on earth, refused the wine mixed with myrrh that was offered him."
I had turned to the scriptures wanting to find solace. I couldn't find it.  I'd come across a verse like Deut. 4:31 "For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath."  My heart would sting.  God's mercy was elusive. I felt like we had been obedient in following the call the adopt, and I felt like we'd been abandoned.  When I stopped approaching the scriptures like they were they medicine, I began to enjoy reading them again.

"Grief disrupts your mind and thinking ability.  Confusion moves in and memory takes a vacation."
After the loss of Baby #2, I became incredibly forgetful.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  One Saturday following our loss, I told James that I could not remember what we had done the night before.  We had gone out to eat at one of our favorite restaurants and then we walked around outside for a little while, taking in some unusually warm February weather.  We had a good night, but in that moment I couldn't recall any of that from my memory.  My forgetfulness concerned me, and I was rather relieved to learn that it is a normal part of the grieving process.

Book Review: Choosing to See

James suggested that we pick up a copy of Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman.  Mary Beth is the wife of singer Stephen Curtis Chapman. They suffered the loss of one of their adopted daughters, Maria, in 2008.  This book was somewhat helpful, but it was not what I thought it would be.

I thought that the bulk of the book would be about Maria' death and their grieving process.  That was not the case.  Only the later half of the book talks about that.  The first half is about their family.  How Mary Beth and Stephen Curtis met.  Their marriage and the launch of his musical career. The birth of their three biological children. The adoptions of their three Chinese daughters.

Sometimes this book made me jealous.  It was not easy for me to read about how fast and simple their adoptions from China had been, three times over.  China!  I've heard of it taking as long as four years to adopt a child from China, but things moved much faster when they were in the process.  Things made me jealous that I never would have expected.  They had Maria for a few years.  We didn't ever even get to hold our girls, much less less watch them grow and play.  They were with Maria when she died, and they had the sacred, albeit heartbreaking, experience of ushering her into the arms of Jesus.  We will never know for sure what happened to our girls.  I don't even know who was with either of them when they breathed their last.

Mary Beth includes some of her journaling that she did after Maria's death.  This was probably the most helpful part of the book to me.  Here's one thing that I found encouraging:


"We need to understand down to the depths of our souls that whether He is quietly behind a storm cloud or blazing obviously in the bright blue sky right on our faces, Jesus, the Son, is always-not sometimes-present.  No matter what circumstance."

She quotes C.S. Lewis several times throughout the book, and that made me pick up my copy of "The Problem of Pain."  I should have reached for that book weeks before I did. 

Be careful in recommending "Choosing to See" to someone who has suffered loss.  This book is not for a grieving widow, and I don't think that it would be that helpful for a couple who has experienced a miscarriage.  I think that a mom who's had a miscarriage would have some of the same feelings of jealously that I had while reading this book.

God's Love is Hard

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  C. S. Lewis

I have thought about Romans 8:28 a lot lately. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (NIV)  I want to believe that God will work all things out for our good.  I do believe that.  God will do the best for us, but on the path to "our best" He promises that we will suffer.  I also believe that we will not see the full working out of all things until God's redemptive work that He began ages ago is finally complete and all things have been made new.  When the lion will lay in peace beside the lamb and the curse will be removed.

Then he showed me the river of living water, sparkling like crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb  down the middle of the broad street [of the city]. On both sides of the river was the tree of life bearing 12 kinds of fruit, producing its fruit every month. The leaves of the tree are for healing the nations,  and there will no longer be any curse. Rev.22:1-2 (NIV)

One book that I have repeatedly turned to when I'm in the midst of one of life's storms is The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis.  My copy is well worn.  The cover is creased.  The margins are written in, page numers are circled, selections of the text are underlined.  I am a fan of Lewis, but this is one of his harder books.  I remember pulling out a dictionary more than once during one of the times I read it.  It has a lot of helpful insights, particularly in the chapters "Divine Omnipotence" and "Divine Goodness."  True to form, there is some less than solid theology, especially in the chapters on the fall of man and animal pain.  There is a lot of interesting things to think about in those chapters, but it is not solid theology.  I have learned a lot from this book, and Lewis' writings have been instrumental in healing my heart a number of times.

In the chapter on Divine Goodness, Lewis compares our sanctification by God to a good man training a puppy:

"Man interferes with the dog and makes it more lovable than it was in mere nature. . .To the puppy the whole proceeding would seem, if it were a theologian, to cast grave doubts on the "goodness" of man."  He goes on to say that older, fully trained dog who has been the recipient of much affection due to it's successful training to have no such doubts regarding the goodness of man.  "He does not house-train the earwig or give baths to centipedes.  We may wish, indeed, that we were of so little account to God that He left us alone to follow our natural impulses - that He would never give over trying to train us into something so unlike our natural selves: but once again, we are asking not for more Love, but for less."

I just wish His love didn't hurt so much right now.

A book review: They Poured Fire on us from the Sky

I finished this book, They Poured Fire on Us from the Sky several months ago.  It is a book about a heartbreaking time in human history.  It is written by two brothers and their cousin.  They are all "Lost Boys of Sudan." In the 1990's Sudan was in the throws of a bloody civil war.  Families were torn apart.  The innocent were slaughtered.  Children were orphaned.  Girls were raped.  Little boys had their lives spared though, but not for a noble reason.  Little boys would be trained to be soldiers to fight for the war.  Little boys who should have been herding the families' goats and playing games of make-believe were left with the option of trekking across the desert to freedom or learning how to kill a man.  Many chose the dangerous trek across the desert, where on the other side they hoped for freedom and reunification with any family members that might have survived.  This book is the story of three of those boys who made that journey.

The book is written in English, which was the fourth language of the writers.  There are a few places where it is apparent that they are still students of the language, but that simply adds to the poignancy of the book.

The boys write about their homes under attack:
People scattered everywhere.  Roofs went up in flames.  I left our goats and ran to join my parents, but I couldn't get past the gunman who stood in the middle of our yard.  The village was destroyed. . .I watched them kill our cattle, set the millet and sorghum fields on fire, destroy all the things that human life needs to survive.

This is not light, happy, feel good reading.  It is worth while.  Nothing makes me more thankful for the comforts and freedoms that we enjoy in the States than leaving the country for a short time and learnimg about the injustices that take place in other places.  This book will make you want to pray for our politicians instead of criticize them.

The boys write of how they reunited with each other, how they eluded death, how the reached safety, and how they ended up in the US.  They do provide some comic relief in parts of the book.  They talk about learning how to use a toilet, how to buckle a seat beat, how to eat a salad and so many other things that are everyday occurrences to us.  Pray for the people of Sudan, as the effects of this war are still evident.

A book review: One Thousand Gifts

 

I have not finished reading One Thousand Gifts yet, but so far I have really enjoyed it. It is about her journey towards living a life of thanksgiving. Giving thanks for the simple things, giving thanks for the life-changing things, giving thanks in the midst of the difficult things. She writes about finding beauty in the mundane and in sorrow. She counts one thousand things that she is thankful for. I stumbled upon this book at a time when I needed it.

I like the author's writing style. It's kind of stream of consciousness at times. Her sentence structure reminds me of William Faulkner, although it is not as difficult to read her writing as it is his. She makes numerous references to the bible, sin, and God's grace. She talks about her own struggle to let go of the pain of loss and to trust God. Here is a quote where she is writing of that struggle that resonated with me:

"No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I'd go for this? No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and can't You get anything right and just haul all this pain our of here and I'll take it from here, thanks. And God? Thanks for nothing."

I have had those thoughts, and I felt guilty for it. I cried when read that, because I was relieved that I wasn't the only Christian who has felt like that in the midst of loss.

The author proposes that the problem in life is not the lack of time, but rather the lack of thanksgiving.  Slow down, take time to take in the beauty of life and see that thanksgiving makes time.  She writes that she is thank-full and time-filled.

"Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying takes place when I give thanks."

I have benefited from this book, and I will probably buy a few to give as gifts.  One thing about it that is a little distracting for me is that she doesn't always refer to her kids by their names.  She has six children, and she writes about them quite a bit.  She refers to them by names like "Tall-Girl" and "Little-One" etc.  I have a hard time following that.  She does throw in a name here and there, but I don't know which nick-name goes with the real name.  I understand that she might want to keep the names of her children private, but I wish she had just chosen a regular name for each child and used it consistently throughout the book.  Not a big deal though.  Certainly don't let that little detail keep you from reading this beautiful book.

Books for Adoptees

When I got home on Friday afternoon there was a package from UPS on our front porch.  It was three books that I had ordered for Samantha.  How fun it was that they came in the day we got to see her pictures for the first time!  One book was a children's bible but the other two were written with adopted children in mind.

A Mother for Choco if about a little bird who can't find a mother who looks like him, but he find a mother that doesn't look anything like him and they become a family.  It is a sweet book, and I hope it will help Samantha as she tries to come to terms with the fact that James and I do not look like her.

I guess this second book, Lifebooks is really more for me than it is for her.  The author is a woman who was adopted at a young age and who works in social work.  She has also adopted a child through the foster care system.  Adoption is such a different process than giving birth.  Instead of ultrasounds and doctor's visits and pictures of mommy with a baby belly there are fingerprinting appointments and meetings with your social worker and lots of training.  I hard a hard time finding a baby book that was written for an adopted child that had room for everything that I wanted to include for Samantha.  So I bought a scrapbook when I caught them on sale at Michael's and I began saving and collecting information for it.  I got this book to help me as I began to write Samantha's story.  It has a lot of good suggestions for pages and topics and it has example pages written in simple language for young child.  I'm going to finally start working on Samantha's scrapbook tomorrow.

A New Book

I've been doing some reading while I recuperate and just started a new called Meaning at the Movies, becoming a Discerning Reader.  It's kind of an interactive book.  The author, Grant Horner, writes about a number of movies and recommends that you watch them first.  He has tried to avoid spoilers, but you will get more out of the book if you watch the movies first.  We added the movies that he writes about to our Netflix cue.

This is not a book that just the do's and don'ts of watching movies for Christians.  Neither is it a list of acceptable movies for Christians.  The author's goal is to provide a biblical perspective on how Christians should interpret what is seen and heard in the movies.  Here's an excerpt from the book where that author explains his intentions:

The purpose of this book is to help us think through these kinds of questions in regard to movies.  Why do we think the way we do about the world?  Is filmmaking an art, in the classical sense?  Is it philosophy is some technological advanced form?  How influential are movies, really?  Can they have a bad effect on us?  Can they promote virtue in any way?  How do we think in a biblical and theologically rich way about film in general and movies in particular?  And why is film so incredibly powerful? 

As a Christian myself I have gone from watching anything I wanted to see, giving little regard to the content, to totally avoiding R rated movies.  It is a tricky balance to be in the world but not of the world.  We must make ourselves available to reach out to an converse with the lost world around us.  Christians surely should not watch every movie that is made, but avoiding movies altogether would be just as bad.  Movies are social events, where we can converse about the movie with other individuals and express our opinions of the film.  Movies also give us a way to engage culture.  They are a way to see the world through the eyes of people who do not share your beliefs.

Here's the web page where I first heard about the book:  Justin Taylor

For more fun reading, head over to  Home Sanctuary.

A new book

My parents gave me this book for Christmas. I've really enjoyed it so far. This is the second one of Gary Thomas' (no relation) what I've read. The first was Sacred Marriage. James and I read that book together, and it was really helpful. There were discussion questions that corresponded with each chapter at the end of the book.

Sacred Influence is the second book for Christian wives that I've read, and I prefer it over the first one I picked up. I read The Excellent Wife once while I was in pharmacy school and again after I had a full time job. I know Martha Peace's book has had a very positive impact on a lot of women, and I'm thankful for that. It just didn't speak to me. She hammers down the importance of keeping a home and not working outside of the home so that you can be the ever ready helpmate for your husband. Both times I read the book, I was at a place in life I couldn't be a stay at home wife. I was in professional school the first time, and the second time I was working full time so James could go to grad school. She's definitely biblical; I just didn't have time in my life for her suggestions about making sure the house is tidy before you leave for the day.

Sacred Influence is a different kind of book. You don't have to be living the idealistic stay-at-home-mom life to have it touch your heart. Thomas speaks of the condition of your heart, and reminds you that you are a fallen sinner and so is your husband and that your marriage is tied and bound by the grace of God.

Here's an excerpt:

A good marriage doesn't happen by accident, and a good marriage isn't maintained by accident. I've never written a book by accident, and you can't build a business by accident. These endeavors require deliberate choices and much perseverance. When you start acting instead of merely wishing, when you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.

I know many of us find it easy to pray for the "small matters" of life - safe travels, good rest, good weather for our vacations, but sometime we fail to pray for big things of life - our spouse's walk with God, wisdom in sharing our faith, and the endurance to be faithful to carry out the tasks of ministry that God has given us.

Book commentary

Think I need to change my "currently reading list", but before I do, a few words about Memory Keeper's Daughter.

I found this to be an intriguing book. It has been well over a year since I read it, and I don't have the book with me know, so this will be brief. It is set in the 1960's. A wife gives birth to twins. Her husband is a doctor, and he delivers them. One is a healthy boy and the other is a girl with Down's syndrome. The father makes a decision that will haunt him and his wife for the rest of his life.

The story made me thankful that society has come a lot way in supporting familes with mentally handicapped children.