If we had known then . . .

If we had know two years ago what we know now, I wonder if we would have made the same decisions regarding adoption that we made. January 2009, we went to the sancity of life service at church.  There was a representative from agency's local office there. I picked up a few brouchers, and we began to seriously talk about this thing that had been in our hearst since before we married. We took six months to pray, discuss, decide on a country and an agency. In June 2009 full of hope, we turned in our application our agency.

One thing I can say for sure is that international adoption is not easy. It is terribly hard to wait.  Our agency lets the waiting families know each month how things are progressing.  There were 8 referrals in December and 9 in January.  Seventeen referrals since we had to let go of Baby D, and not a single one of them was within our age/gender/medical preferances????  I feel like we are just spinning our wheels with no end in sight.  I know that feeling will pass once we do get matched with another child, but who knows when that is going to happen.  We thought we'd have another referral by the New Year.  That didn't happen.  Then we thought surely we'd have another on by my birthday.  That didn't happen.  Then we thought we'd have one by the time some friends of our left to get their baby from Ethiopia - hoping that they'd be able to take pictures for us.  That didn't happen either.  They left today to bring their son home.  Right now, I'm just hoping that we pass court in Ethiopia by July because if we don't there will be several things in our dossier that will have to be re-done because they expire then.

This road has been a hard one.  Full of difficult things that we never expected. James and I have talked about what we would have done differently if we had known that we'd have to go through what we've been through. Would we use the same agency? We've wondered if we would have choosen to adopt stateside or exercise some other options. There's nothing else we can do for now. Our agency will let families pursue domestic and international adoption at the same time, but that is not free by any means. One thing at a time I guess.

I've wondered why God wanted us to go through this. What is he trying to teach us?  What sin is he trying to work out of both of us?  I'm beyond ready for this season of sadness to end. Last year was hard - the death of three people we loved, grandparents who were ill, leaving a church, a broken leg. There were blessings in the hard times - lessons learned and love grown, but I was so hoping that this year would be better. This year is already off to a sad start.  We buried one of my uncles last week.  I don't want to know what is coming next. It has been hard to feel God's kindness and love through all this.  I'm doing better than I was a month ago, and I can hope that God will continue to heal my heart in order to trust him better.  A few days ago we were reading in Psalms and the following verses struck me:

I call on you, my God, for you will answer me;
   turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.
 Show me the wonders of your great love,
   you who save by your right hand
   those who take refuge in you from their foes.
 Keep me as the apple of your eye;
   hide me in the shadow of your wings
 from the wicked who are out to destroy me,
   from my mortal enemies who surround me.

Ps 17:6-9 NIV

"Show me the wonders of your great love. . .keep me as the apple of your eye. . .hide me in the shadow of your wing."  I realized that was David's prayer.  Why hadn't I been praying for that?  Well, I had never thought to pray for those things.  But I am now.