Shell shocked

Yesterday at about 4 pm, our social worker called us.  She called James' cell phone, but he was outside so I answered it.  She told me that her boss was also on the phone with her and that they needed to speak with both of us.  I went outside to get James, and they said they had bad news.  They offered to come to our house and deliver the news in person, but I knew that it would take them about an hour to get here and I didn't want to wait that long to hear what they had to say.  We decided to speak over the phone.

The little girl that we just turned in our acceptance papers for has passed away.  She developed flu like symptoms suddenly, and she died in the hospital.  Our social worker was shocked.  She told that she had no answers as to why this happened and why we had to go through this.  She said that this has never happened with one of their families before.  Before the first baby we had been matched with died, they had never had a child die in one of their orphanages.  Now it's happened to us again.  There were other referrals that went out the same days that we got both of ours.  Why couldn't God have led the agency staff to place us with a different child?  If we had gotten matched with one of the other children that were referred to other their families back in September, we'd be home with a child now.

We are stunned and heartbroken, and we are asking ourselves a lot of questions.  If God knew that he was going to take this baby to be with him, why couldn't he have done it two weeks earlier and spared us another loss?  Why did he choose to put us and our families through this loss for a second time?  Why did God give us a desire to adopt just to put us through this hell?  I can say for sure that if we had known we were going to go through this, we would not have wanted to pursue adoption.  We've had so much bad news around here lately I hate to even wonder what God has in store for us next.  Things haven't been easy in our house for over a year now.  This season of sadness began last January, and we are beyond ready for it to end.  What's the next thing God's going to take from us?  My husband's job?  One of our parents?  One of our pets?  Our home?  Is he going to leave one us a widow(er) at the ripe old age of 31?

I believe that one big reason God allows his children to go through hard things is so that we will see the brokenness of this world.  He wants our hearts to be hungry for heaven, and we will not feel that hunger if our hearts are captivated by the things of this world.  Well, I lost my affections for this world years ago.  I have suffered, and I have beheld suffering beyond what seems natural.  I know that this world is cursed, stained by the fall, and crying out for God to finish his redemptive work.  We get it God.  How much more heartbreak are you going to put us through?

We know that many of you are praying for us.  Thank you, and please keep them coming.  One of our pastors called us last night, and he's getting us set up with a counselor.  We are going to have a conference call with the staff at our agency's national office.  That is probably going to take place sometime today.  While we covet your prayers, please do not bombard us with questions right now.  We are encouraged to know that people are rooting for us and that you want to see us bring a child home, but please do not continually ask us if we have heard anything from our agency about a third referral.  After we lost our first referral, we were asked that a lot.  Sometimes it was helpful to know that others were thinking about us, and sometimes it was a jab at my heart to have to say that we still hadn't heard anything.  Just let us know that you are praying for us.  If and when we ever have news of another potential child, we will let everyone know.